Sex, Ecstasy, Soul and Love – Learning the Difference the Hard Way

Over the past 25 years I’ve lived with 20 women. Yes, that’s crazy. I’ve met women, had almost spontaneous sex with them and they’ve moved in, or I’ve moved in (depending on the country and comparative size of home – kids etc) – and we’ve co-habited. Sometimes it lasted years others months.

Each time I’ve said to myself “this is the one” and then found out I was wrong. But that’s another story. The fact is I connected with thousands and thousands of women, in workshops I ran, keynotes I’ve given, consultations and as an international traveller staying in hotels literotica. Only 20 of those thousands of women gave sex quickly, the rest said in their own way “if you want it, prove it.”

Unable to disconnect instantaneous gratification and love has been a great treat for me. I’ve gone into relationships “guns blazing” and unfortunately come out of them causing huge disappointment. It’s really, at some level, sad, but at another, my way of staying on track.

So, to define who I lived with over the past 30 years, and how I chose my relationships is simply to say “women who gave sex quickly.” and to define why I left those relationships is to say “women who weren’t as good in real life as the sex they gave in the fantasy world of the bedroom.”

That’s akin to putting the chimney on a house before you build the foundations. That’s like having a saddle but no horse. It’s like having petrol but no car. It’s like paddling a barbed wire canoe up a smelly creek without a paddle. It’s doomed to failure.

In the process of all this I’ve met some amazing people. Kindred spirits in some way, who, like me, thought great sex instantaneously given, great bedroom athletics and ecstasy, and the illusion of it lasting for the rest of our lives, solved life’s problems.

Unfortunately the result of this selections process (meaning of the thousands of women I fell in love with the only ones I lived with gave sex on the first date) – there’s been a huge amount of balance. Nature abhors imbalance. So, for all the bedroom ecstasy there’s ended up being huge heartbreak. The net result of which are lessons of love. Ouch, it’s a hard way to learn.

So, it’s not wrong. I’m no big fan of right and wrong. But it’s a huge waste of energy and space to learn that the person who was so good in bed is actually not the person you want to make the effort to work through issues to live with for the rest of your life.

I think it’s a case of the wrong measuring stick. Great sex and the illusion that I’ve finally met my soul mate does not translate to life purpose, living a great life, being inspired, serving the world or being anything more than a self obsessed, pleasure seeking missile – and whether the relationship lasts 13 years like the first, or two years like the last, they are all doomed because the criteria of entry is simply how quickly I could “get to bed with” that person. I’ve learned from each, but I’ve learned far more about high self worth from those women who took my advances and said, “in your dreams” or “want it? work for it.” Cheap, lust that I called love, and truly thought was deep soul connection, turned out to be infatuation – ended up in resentment (as it must) and needed soul connection to heal in order to move on.

I’d never looked in the mirror until my last relationship where my ex, who had begged me to remain friends until she found a new lover, met a guy, a backpacker I was helping survive, and jumped into bed with him on their first meeting, moved him into her home on the second day, and claimed she’d met her twin flame. It was like a pure glass mirror held up in my face. He was me when I met her.

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